“You Survived, Now What?”

It has been over a year since I “survived.” Coming to terms with that episode of my life has not been easy. It’s been far from it. You see, the fascinating thing of the “life after” part is that you really don’t know how having experienced domestic violence will impact you as you try and piece your life back together again. Your sense of confidence, self and put simply, being, has completely deteriorated. You’ve been beaten (possibly in both literal and figurative ways) down and have to learn how to come up for air again. According to the Joyful Heart Foundation:

“Abuse can have a serious impact on the way a person thinks and interacts with the world around them. The chronic exposure to domestic violence—and the stress fear resulting from this exposure—can cause not only immediate physical injury, but also mental shifts that occur as the mind attempts to process trauma or protect the body. Domestic violence affects one’s thoughts, feelings and behaviors and can significantly impact one’s mental stability. Increased anxiety, post-traumatic stress disorder and depression symptoms are commonly observed among survivors of domestic violence.”

In a meeting at work recently, I started to feel anxious and cornered. I left the meeting and had an anxiety attack in my office and struggled to process why. After thinking through what happened, I realized the questions being asked of me by a colleague (in a respectful but persistent way), one after the other without much time to think or respond, triggered my attack. My body reacted to that situation the way it did in my previous life. In an abusive relationship, your words can be your worst enemies. Anything you say can be brought up later, often against you. If you agree, you’re being condescending. If you disagree, you’re dumb. If you choose left, you don’t know enough. If you choose right, you don’t mean it. If you don’t choose at all, you’re worse off. Any answer brought a little bit of hell with it. A year later, and here I was finding something about myself I had no idea existed. I felt like a failure; how can I react this way after so much time and “progress?”

“Any answer brought a little bit of hell with it.”

Image Courtesy of FreeImages.

I was simply in survival mode after the separation. I didn’t focus on “fixing me” but turned to what needed fixing: my kids, the door, school, work, my friendships, etc. I never included myself in that equation. After acknowledging certain triggers and more importantly, that I had not fully invested in myself and created the space to mourn, cope, process, feel or reflect on my experience, I decided to turn to coping mechanisms. I opened up to friends. I reached out to the National Domestic Violence Hotline and spoke with several advocates. I decided to join a survivor group weekly session. I decided to write and share my story. While there is not silver bullet to “patching you up again,” (unfortunately), I do firmly believe that I am stronger for having experienced it. I have forgiven him but I’m still working on forgiving myself. I am still wrestling with my inner critics who validate the self-depreciation and what was once a “comfortable hiding place.” A common recommendation that I have heard and have also started to do myself is give back or volunteer. I came across this website: http://www.webofbenefit.org, which “promotes liberation from domestic violence” and helps “ensure the personal and financial independence of survivors. It is with resources like this and having well intentioned, good people around that help survivors feel themselves again. Or at least take the first step towards surviving.

Image courtesy of FreeImages.

Warning Signs and Signs of Hope

“Why don’t you just leave or better yet, why don’t you make him leave?”

Throughout the abusive relationship, that was a popular question posed to me. It often felt like a punch. I was successful, educated and strong. Or so I thought. It’s not like I didn’t want to leave or make him leave– most of the time. It wasn’t like the thought never crossed my mind. For every insult, every demeaning curse word or attack to my character, being and integrity, there was an accompanying deep and urgent sense of wanting to run for the door and never look back. But, I couldn’t and I didn’t. You see, it wasn’t always like that.

Surviving Domestic Violence.

At first, things were fantastic and hopeful. There was love in the air and commitment in our future. He provided a dedication to me and an understanding of my world like I had never experienced. I had finally found “the one.” But there were signs. The list below includes some of the early red flags I experienced but dismissed them because I “wanted the violence to stop, not for the relationship to end:”

1. He grew jealous of my relationships with friends, family and colleagues, in particular those who were males.
2. He became controlling.
3. Grew completely impatient and aggressive with my decisions or lack thereof.
4. Grew demanding and authoritative.
5. He started drinking heavily and “blaming” me and my lack of confidence in him for doing so.

Please note that this was my experience and everyone’s is different. The National Domestic Abuse Hotline helps define abuse and provides additional information about what an abusive relationships looks like: http://www.thehotline.org/is-this-abuse/.

After enough time had passed by and the abuse was seeping through impacting my work performance, my ability to be a parent, my capacity to love others or myself, I slowly started making my way from my abuser. I tried several times but we both learned most were my empty threats because I was often scared. Scared of him, but mostly scared of life without him. I had been conditioned to think nothing of myself and very little of a happy future without him. I didn’t know what to do or how to do it. I was incapacitated by his abuse. After an incredibly tough episode, I found myself browsing through the Hotline’s list of red flags and wept as I checked off nearly all of them. This is when I realized what I was living and committed to finding help.

For every sign of warning, there is a sign of hope. It has been over a year since I left my abusive relationship and I find myself scouring for resources to help survivors of domestic violence, inform families and friends of victims and survivors and educate the general public about the issue. Below is a list of resources I have found that I hope are useful. I encourage you to add more:

Resources for Survivors of Domestic Violence

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Domestic Violence in the U.S. – We’re More Than Just a Number

“My life would be so much better if you were dead.”

The hate slurred its way out of his drunken mouth. His eyes were small, squinting with rage and disgust. It was a typical day – typical then was grossly defined by insults, tears, anxiety, panic attacks, and fear. In spite of the level of creativity he had employed with his words during the time we were together, and my increasing numbness to his behavior, this felt different. I was scared. I was broken.

As a survivor of emotional, verbal and psychological abuse, and in honor of National Domestic Violence Awareness Month, I share my story in an effort to shine a light at the still misunderstood, overlooked, under-reported, and under-resourced topic of domestic violence.

According to the National Coalition Against Domestic Violence, every 9 seconds in the U.S. a woman is assaulted or beaten, and on a typical day, there are more than 20,000 phone calls placed to domestic violence hotlines nationwide. One of those calls last year was mine. There are many reasons people, in particular women, do not leave their abusive partners – from being afraid of being alone to feeling pressure from family and/or the community. This is especially of concern for women of color and the LGBT community. For Hispanic women, cultural and societal values and pressures, limited financial resources, language barrier, lack of support and immigration status can all play a role in their ability to report and survive the abuse. The issue goes beyond physical violence and sexual assault. It is important to also recognize that it can be economic, psychological, reproductive coercion, financial and digital abuse. According to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, more than 1 in 3 women and more than 1 in 4 men in the United States have experienced rape, physical violence and/or stalking by an intimate partner in their lifetime.

Implications of domestic abuse are significant, including the impact this has on children. The NCADV states that 1 of 15 children are exposed to intimate partner violence each year. Little is still known about the full extent of the issue but key findings highlight the many risks and challenges that can last throughout their lives. For many others, including me, this is the hardest aspect throughout and after separation. Survivors of domestic violence, who are parents, will need to navigate the justice system for child custody or child support. This severely nuanced issue is often exacerbated by the manner in which police respond (reactive, possibly too late), how abusers are prosecuted (if at all) and how victims of domestic abuse are treated in the court (demeaning, dismissed). Much work still needs to be done on all fronts to increase the awareness of the serious, long-term consequences domestic abuse has on victims and their families.

What can you do to help? The National Domestic Violence Hotline features ways to get involved, including volunteering and donating to organizations that provide support for survivors. For me, working with other survivors and with advocates has been instrumental. Every day, people are abused, dismissed, shamed and judged and it is up to all of us, to be part of the solution. Please share the resources found throughout this piece, help someone by empowering them, or simply listen or talk about the issue. It can make a world of a difference.